i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
