You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
