omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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