I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
