Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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