I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
