We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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