i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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