Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
