I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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