He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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