actually, I'm a sock model
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
