i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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