she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
