There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
