If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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