He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
