I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
