Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
