I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
