was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My penis needs a shock collar
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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