I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
