who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
