he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
