tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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