btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
