He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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