we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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