I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
