i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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