I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
