Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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