I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
