life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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