Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
