I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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