My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
did i walk over a car last night?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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