you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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