Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
