I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
