omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
