Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
