May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
