What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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