Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
