I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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