So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
