She went from zero to smokin in five shots
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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