Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
