So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
